Kick 'em When They're Up, Kick 'em When They're Down. Etc.

It’s not nice to dogpile. But sometimes it’s necessary.

There’s quite a furor building over Dallas Morning News music critic Mario Tarradell. He has long championed cookie-cutter modern country artists as well as MOR cheese rock, though he should receive credit for championing rock en Espanol, I suppose. This hasn’t bothered me because a) I don’t read the Dallas Morning News anymore and b) I really don’t care about music critique, music journalists or 95% of music that’s being discussed or reviewed these days. It’s hard to get worked up over something that essentially doesn’t exist in your world. I actually thought that Thor Christensen was still writing for DMN, if that gives you any idea of how out of touch with the paper’s entertainment section I am.

So apparently our buddy Mario wrote a little rant about how Gywneth Paltrow introduced Radiohead as “one of the most influential artists of all time” at the Grammys last year. If there are two names that make me doze off while driving and drift into oncoming traffic almost instantaneously, it’s “Gwyneth Paltrow” and “Radiohead”. I liked Radiohead a lot up to OK Computer. They’ve lost me since. I still stand by my assertion that the Radiohead/Spiritualized show that I saw at Fair Park Music Hall in 1998 was the best concert I have ever attended. I think they are a little too critically exalted these days but I can’t deny that, for better or for worse, they do seem to be a huge influence on today’s music. I have nothing to say about Gywenth Paltrow other than her hair always looks very shiny.

But Tarradell’s Radiohead comments unleashed a shitstorm on the DMN website, with commenters overwhelmingly defending Radiohead’s honor. Then Mario’s fingers found the strength to type this:

The Beatles are one of the most influential bands of all time. The Eagles are one of the most influential bands of all time.

And then also…

The Eagles?!?! Oh, I dunno, try EVERY SINGLE COUNTRY ARTIST AROUND NOW. They pretty much ALL list the Eagles as an influence. And that's just for starters.

I have never gone from half-heartedly nodding in agreement with a maligned rock critic to hoping that they experience a lifetime of incontinence and night terrors so quickly in my life. If you are serious about those two statements, Mario Tarradell, then you are the problem. Let me try hard here to not mince my words.

THE EAGLES ARE THE WORST MUSICAL GROUP/BOIL ON THE GROIN OF ALL THINGS CREATIVE, ARTISTIC AND GOOD….OF ALL TIME. *

*(Except for Joe Walsh’s “Life’s Been Good”. That song rules)

I wanted to be in your corner, buddy. Well, maybe not but I could at least see where you were coming from with the “C’mon guys, Radiohead aren’t THAT amazing!” bit. Then you mentioned the Eagles and did not also mention the words “bland” or “contrived” or “obnoxious” or “inflamed anal fissure” in the same sentence. And now you are the enemy. Saying that the Eagles are the biggest influence on modern mainstream country is like bragging that pestilence-carrying rodents were the biggest influence on the Bubonic plague.

You say that the Eagles influenced every country artist around today? Therein lies your problem. I couldn’t have said it better myself, actually. I have often wondered when country music took the 90 degree turn to Pro-Tools, studded bandana wearing purgatory. When did country artists stop trying to sound like Johnny Cash and Hank Williams and Waylon Jennings and Bob Wills and Merle Haggard and Loretta Lynn and Hank Thompson and Buck Owens? If what you say is true and modern country artists are in fact influenced heavily by the Eagles, I think I have my answer.

Music taste is subjective but please, Mario Tarradell, do you really think that the current crop of mainstream country artists (you mention that Shelby Lynne and Brad Paisley were two of your favorite concerts last year) are something to write home about? Artistically innovate? Anything but Pro-Tools, spray tans, southern accents and 19-piece backup bands? I have no problem with entertainers that exist purely for entertainment. That’s what anyone from American Idol is. I also don’t have any problem with you knowing your readership and playing to them. We’re in Dallas, Texas after all. I mean, it would be nice for a Dallas newspaper to instead give props to artists who are true to the roots of country music, as so many of those roots are right here in Texas. But I long ago realized that was too much to ask for.

But really, Mario Tarradell, you have a forum upon which you can do one of two things. You can either use your allotted space to explore and critique music outside of Top 40 modern rock radio, modern country or Tina Turner. Or you can serve up the KFC Famous Bowl of rock journalism that you whip up each week. Patton Oswalt calls the Famous Bowl a “failure pile in a sadness bowl” and I now know that your music leanings can be classified as much the same.

I would like to end with the most astute commentary on the Eagles and the skid mark of a legacy that they have left on the underpants of modern music, courtesy of a DMN commenter:

Posted by Brad @ 12:55 PM Thu, Feb 12, 2009
People who like the Eagles...have kids who like Nickelback.

Please Just Remember

I've been remarkably serious and psuedo-intellectual for the past few weeks on here. I promise it will come to an end soon. Please hurry, football.

In the meantime, I beg of everyone to remember this. When you're talking about the recently celebrity trifecta of deaths (Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson), please just remember one thing:

At least they all will get to have a proper funeral. Attended by hundreds or thousands and watched by millions. At least their family will have the right to attend this funeral and see their final resting place. At least the family will know when and where the burial will occur so they can properly grieve. At least the family will be free to, if they so choose, wear black in mourning or put up pictures or even a simple black banner to mourn their loss. At least the families will not be told that they cannot have any sort of ceremony or memorial for their deceased relative. And finally, at least the families will not be forced to move from their home(s) for no reason. Please don't forget that.

Michael Jackson died an hour or two ago. Let me get this part out of the way...

It's sad when ANYONE dies. And especially for the family and friends they leave behind. And he was suspiciously young to go out on a cardiac arrest. And I really do hope that all his superfans are gonna be ok.

Now, for the rest....

I have never liked Michael Jackson's music. Even when I was a kid and he was mega popular. Then came all the allegations and charges, of which he was found not guilty. I thought he was a severely developmentally stunted boy-man who clearly was not too mentally sound. But I'm not here to talk smack about a man who has just died.

I am here to say that I find it ironic, hypocritical and almost insulting that MTV is wall-to-wall Michael Jackson videos right now. Even as a non-fan, I will admit that they might owe their very existence and success to him and his early videos. However, MTV hasn't cared about music in at least a decade. In fact, I'm pretty sure that MTV joined Leno and Letterman and all the other media that were so happy to report all of his troubles and failures. So now MTV has time-warped back to 1985 like they're not the network that has forsaken music videos for The Hills and Paris Hilton's BFF?

I like seeing videos on MTV. I do wish they were videos by an artist I dug but it makes me nostalgic for my childhood. I guess it just bothers me that the guy was the butt of a million jokes for the past decade and a half and the moment he dies, the same media that clowned him so hard are getting ready to carve his likeness on the moon with a laser beam.

Rest in peace, Michael. I wasn't a fan of yours and hearing your music exclusively for more than an hour has already driven me to the land of Tivo but you were a troubled soul and I appreciate that. For everyone else, please don't make me listen to "Don't Stop" on an endless loop for the next week.

PS - My friend Adam in London just made a really good point. "We got at least 2 weeks of this. The Iranian leaders are gonna be able to do whatever they want now!!!" I guess Neda and a potential revolution in a volatile Islamic country tired of tyranny and oppression by religious zealots just isn't as sexy as "Dirty Diana".